Dead End!!!

This blog was created as a dumping ground for all our frustrations. A place to put past experience that did not work out. This is the cyber grave yard for all our adoption failures. It has been a place to hide our grief and loss. I hate this blog!!

Going forward, I will not be visiting this site or writing on the electronic pages. I hope I never have a need to revisit The Road Behind Us. All future articles will post on Daddy Times Two http://daddytimestwo.blogspot.com/ . This is a much happier place/website. Daddy Times Two will continue to help us focus on the future and leave the past behind.

Wherever this leads...

I don’t need to be told… what to feel or how to feel it.
I don’t need to be told… what to do or how to do it.
These are my choices… let me make them!

You need to realize… I did not ask for your opinion.
You need to realize… your path is different from mine.
This is my experience… do not change it!

If you can not see or hear me … you need to look and listen.
If you can not walk beside me… you need to walk away.
This is the reality of my life… you need to respect it!

Jose and I continue to learn so much from our adoption experience. This has not been the easiest road to travel. It has been full of life lessons and personal growth. This experience has changed us and our life in many ways. It has profoundly changed our view of the world. We are not asking anyone to understand the place which we now stand. We only ask for them to join our journey and embrace this time regardless of where it takes us.

Everyday realities...

We feel as if we have had an out of body experience. All that has happen since May has been exhausting. It’s hard for most people to understand what we have undergone or how drastically our lives have changed. This joyous time has become an inescapable nightmare.

Jose and I have experienced loss during our lives. We have lost friends, money, careers, siblings, grandparents and parents. None of these prior events compare to the loss we have recently incurred.

The first portion of our downward slide involved the loss of a child. This is still ever present but has taken on many new dimensions. The loss of our hopes, dreams and future have come into play during this journey. These are all hard things to reconcile regardless of the circumstances.

During this short period, we have isolated ourselves from friends and family. This is simply part of the grief process. This approached has also been the only way we know to handle innocent questions, inquires into events and personal words of wisdom. Unless someone has walked in our shoes they have little insight into our feelings or current frame of mind.

We have had to travel this path alone. Adoption agencies are not the best at providing this sort of support and after care. Agency social workers are much too busy trying to connect families with perspective birthmothers. Few groups exist for this specific venue of grief. We really do not fit into a group that deals with loss of a loved one, death of child or miscarriages. Our circumstance is entirely different from those occurrences. Throw in the fact that we are a non-traditional couple and that complicates the process even more.

We received a call from our first match. This is the Birthmother that decided to parent after giving birth. We had a nice conversation that was very therapeutic to everyone involved. She explained her perspective and choice to parent. She also apologized for all she put us through and reassured us that the failed adoption was not our fault. She simply stated, "I was incapable of giving up my baby but Jose and you would have made wonderful parents." Her words gave us closure.

Some days we just want all this to stop! We realize that if we do not continue our intended goal will never be reached. We need to grieve and we need to continue our search for a new birthmother. Both of these facts are our everyday reality!

The last few weeks

Last week we experienced another loss with the disappearance of our second birthmother. We are not devastated by this latest event but feel exhausted from all the activities and emotions that have taken place over the last 6 weeks. During this short period we were matched with two birthmothers and experience the birth of a child. These weeks were full of doctor appointments, Sunday Masses, meals, shopping trips, study nights, late night telephone calls and stories of lives filled with turmoil and confusion.

Our last match did not work but we are grateful this birthmother decided early on that she would be unable to relinquish her child. The reality is we only knew birthmother #2 for 2 weeks. We are glad this relationship ended before we had time to bond with her and the baby.

Jose and I harbor no ill will and hope these young women find happiness and peace. Each of them made lasting impressions on us. We know the time we shared with them will be reflected on for years to come. We also know they too will remember us. As for the child we held and loved… we pray that God watches over her.

This part of our journey did not end the way we would have like. At times it has consisted of overwhelming emotion and emptiness. This portion of our trip has been extremely hard but it has made us stronger individuals and closer as a couple.

This is not over and with perseverance we will grow our family through adoption.

Yes... we're having a girl!

Her due date is: September 30, 2009

One door closes... Another door opens

Jose and I want to thank everyone near and far that has supported us through our recent failed adoption. Thank you for the emails, telephone calls, messages and prayers. I do not know if the word failed accurately describes our situation but it is the one word we feel best suits the circumstances.

The last week was a whirlwind of emotions. As one door of our journey closed another door opened. On Saturday, June 13th we were matched with our new Birthmother. Yes, we are official matched and everyone involved has signed the adoption plan. Our due date is September 30, 2009. We will be posting about our adventures as our new experience unfolds. We have plenty of time to bond with our Birthmother as she is due in roughly 15 weeks.

We have gained a lot of wisdom as our journey has unfolded over the past 8 months. This experience has made us grow and look at life in an entirely new way. We also know everything we have gone through is part of our path.

Again, thanks for all your kind words and thoughts. We could not have gotten through this experience without your support.

By the way... follow the rest of our joyful journey at: http://daddytimestwo.blogspot.com/

Our thoughts on moving forward...

Today we sent the attached letter to our adoption agency. It truly expresses our feelings and the waves of emotions we are facing. This entire experience has been surreal. In a strange twist of fate the tables were turned on us. We now feel we have great insight into the emotions a birthmother faces when placing her child for adoption.

Thank you for all you have done for us during this difficult time. The last month has not been easy and the last few days have been filled with grief. Jose and I could not get through this experience without the support of Family to Family Adoptions.

We are still having waves of emotions but are trying to find ways to overcome them. Yesterday we returned many baby things that were especially purchased for Catalina. We could not stand having them in our home and did not want to use them for our future child. This weekend we plan to find a quite countryside place to bury her monogrammed blanket. We think this symbolic jester will help us heal and move forward.

We ultimately know the way we will truly recover is having a child of our own. We have quickly realized that we have the capacity to love another child. As Jennifer stated, “You have to get back up on that horse as quickly as possible.” We want you to know we are a little shaky but are sitting in the saddle and ready for our next ride.

As for Molly… this was a special girl with a very special set of circumstances. We feel as if we were used by her but know some of our jesters and kindness effected her. She may realize what we were trying to do for her in the days that lie ahead. Regardless, we wish her well and hope that Gods light shines upon her daughter, Nevaeh.

We have decided that this last experience can not affect our relationship with our future child’s birthmother. We have to start out on a fresh note and put the past behind us. The next birthmother will have the same opportunities that we gave Molly. We must do this because this is the Christian thing to do and it is the right thing to do for our child. Mind you, we will be more cautious the next time around. Please know we still embrace the open adoption concept and pray for a birthmother that can bond with our family.

In the coming weeks and months we will be seeking patience. The wait at this point will be much harder than 8 months we waited for Catalina. We know what to expect from the wait but with our current loss this wait will be very different than our first. Please help us as quickly a possible to move from this valley we sit within.

We know everything will eventually be okay as a sign surfaced Tuesday night. Our friend and support Karla (Ann’s friend) came to our home and took us to dinner. Our spirits were low but during the course of our meal a child appeared. She was a beautiful 3 year old girl with the attitude of a 6 year old. This little girl took to Jose in the strangest way and it seems she was drawn to him. She stayed with us for more than 30 minutes. Seeing Jose interact with the little girl brought unstoppable tears to my eyes. I simply could not stop crying for a plethora of reasons. At some point our friend Karla began speaking with the little girl’s mother 2 tables away. During their conversation Karla shared the loss we had faced earlier in the day. It turned out that she was a birthmother that had relinquished 24 years ago. She also shared that she had been reunited with her adopted child (a son) and was waiting on his first child to be born. What are the odds we randomly run into these people? Mind you, random strangers! We take this as a sign that we will heal and be able to move forward. We think this was God whispering in our ear.

The only words I can express are, “help us find our child.” Please feel free to share our thoughts and this letter with everyone at the agency. They are all dear women with compassionate and caring hearts.

We will be in touch in the very near future. Please contact us if you have any potential situations that might meet our needs. We will not give up our search and with your help we will find our child.

Sincerely,
Brandon

The End... for now

We held Catalina, diapered Catalina, fed Catalina and loved Catalina. But... this was not our baby. There are many twists and turns to this story but THIS WAS NOT OUR BABY! This birth mother decided to parent her child, Neveah. This is the polite way to end this story and other facts are irrelevant. This was not the outcome we had planned. Our friends and family helped us pray for a healthy child and despite the odds our prayers were answered. Let us now pray that God looks upon Nevaeh and protects her.

We are heartbroken and feel as if a death has occurred in our family. We will grieve this loss like no other loss we have experienced in our life. In the days to come we will find a lesson to take from this experience. At present, we are struggling with this part of God's plan.

We have decided that this will not be the end of our adoption story. Our journey will continue but this chapter will greatly effect how we proceed. The name Catalina Theresa will not be used going forward. This name will be buried just as we bury this experience.

Thank you to all that have rallied around us during this time. We know this loss has caused a ripple in the lives of the ones near to us. Let us all find strength to move forward and pray that God sends us another child to love.

and her name is...

Catalina Theresa

After much debate, research and thought we have finally decided on our child's name. Catalina was chosen to honor Jose's Maternal Grandmother. It is pronounced with a Spanish inflection and has no relation to the salad dressing. Theresa also spoken with a Spanish twist honors the Catholic Saint Theresa Coudere. We are not big fans of nicknames so she will be called Catalina and not Cat. The name Catalina Theresa will appear on her "amended birth certificate" after our adoption has been finalized.

We wanted everyone involved with the experience to have a hand in naming our child. After much thought we (Brandon, Jose and Our Birthmother) unanimously decided that our child's "original birth certificate" will contain the name Nevaeh. Our Birthmother choose this name because it is Heaven spelled backwards. We also feel strongly that our child know the name that her Mother choose especially for her.

St. Theresa Coudere

Foundress of the Religious of Our Lady of the Retreat in the Cenacle. She was born in Le Mas. France, in 1805 and entered a community of dedicated women that evolved into the Sisters of St. Regis in 1829. Theresa founded the Cenacle. She resigned as superior in 1838 and spent the rest of her life, except for a brief period, as a simple sister. She died at Fourviere on September 26. She was beatified in 1951 and canonized by Pope Paul VI in 1970. The Feast of Saint Theresa Coudere is celebrated annually on September 26th.

Please welcome our little girl!

The last few days have been the most amazing of our entire lives. Many tears of joy and sorrow have been shed over our year long journey. Creating a family through adoption is one of the hardest and most thought provoking journeys anyone can take. All of the anxiety and fear we have carried subsided when we held our daughter in our arms for the first time. Our entire world has changed forever.

Let us introduce our little girl...

Born: June 8, 2009 at 7:19 p.m.

Weight: 7 lbs. 8 0z.
Height: 19 in.

We would also like to keep you guessing another day about her name. That will be forthcoming in tomorrow's blog post. Special thanks goes out to our friends, family and fellow bloggers that have come along for this wonderful ride. Thanks for all the support!

Oh... and we could not have traveled this emotional road without Karla. She has stood by our side when we could not see the light. She has been our voice of reason. She will never fully know all joy she has brought into our life. It is said that everyone has a path in life. Ours would have been very different if we would not have met Karla many years ago. We love you, Karla!

More updates...

We are exhausted! Our Birthmother is in housing about thirty minutes from our home. It seems we are on the road constantly going to doctor visits, movies, restaurants, etc. When we're not with her we are trying to finish up loose ends and keep up with our day to day life. We have not been home for dinner in a month. I really miss my kitchen!

I (Brandon) have been so anxious and my sleep patterns are very erratic. For me sleep has never come easy but at present I average about four hours a night. I guess I am preparing myself for the trials of a potential restless baby.

Many of our friends have offered to host baby showers. We have declined these generous jesters until after our little one arrives. We are old school and do not want to jinx anything. The reality is... we are a little crazy and superstitious! The other reality is we can not sit still long enough to enjoy family, friends or ourselves.

Today's doctor visit went well. Our Birthmother is scheduled for an afternoon delivery Thursday, June 11th. She really wants to get this over with as she is very pregnant and uncomfortable. We will continue to see what the weekend holds. You never know... she may go into labor before her official due date.

We continue to remind ourselves that all of this will be forgotten in a few days when we end this part of our journey. The restlessness and worry will subside when we bring our baby home.

Oh... and the above photo is from our 3-D ultrasound.

Full Moon Effect...

Our Birthmother is really pregnant! She is very uncomfortable and having a hard time getting around. Our little one is ready to make an appearance by the look of things.

I will attend the weekly obstetrician appointment on Friday. If she has dilated anymore the doctor will most likely send her directly to the hospital .

A full moon will also appear this coming Sunday. Our friend Karla seems to think she will deliver early because of the lunar cycle. I would usually write this off as mambo jumbo but I think Karla may be right. The closer we get to the new moon the more uncomfortable our Birthmother becomes. We officially have seven days until our due date but I think we may be closer to a four day window. Keep your fingers crossed that the moon shines upon us! Also keep in mind that in some cultures babies born under a full moon attain special qualities of greatness. We are waiting with great anticipations!

In the news...

Everything seems to be going at full speed in our lives. Many last minute loose ends are being tied up regarding work, home, social commitments and baby preparations.

My (Brandon) FMLA has been approved and I am working out a intermittent work schedule. I will continue to work between one and four days per week until January. I will slowly go back to work over the 7 month period and assess the situation as our little one gets settled. Jose will be off for the summer and during holidays. We are hoping he (Jose) can return to teaching four day per week in the Fall semester. These scheduling issues will all work out with patience and organization.

It seems everything is falling into place. We interviewed 12 schools last year after beginning our adoption plan. Two days after being matched with our Birthmother our number one school of choice called. They have space for our little girl starting in October 2009! Last year we were number 17 on the waiting list. FYI... originally it was thought that we would wait 2 years to be accepted into the program. We feel a higher power must be guiding and assisting with our journey. It seems that everything is slowly working out.

We have begun Baptismal classes and will complete 10 hours of Catholic instruction before being permitted to Christen our daughter. The subject matter is interesting and we have been thrown together with 20 other Roman Catholic Moms and Dads. We are the only non-traditional couple but have been welcomed with open arms. We are fortunate to have a progressive thinking Parish Priest. If you are reading this... thank you Fr. John!

We are a little tense as our Birthmother's due date nears. Everything is going well and we continue to see her 3 times per week. We have watched many movies, eaten to our hearts content and partaken in a luxury spa day during our time together.

Oh... and If you are counting, we have 8 days until our baby arrives. Ready or not here she comes!

We have a date!

It's official... we have a date! The obstetrician has scheduled the cesarean for June 11th. If you are counting backwards this is day 13. The doctor also stated that our baby may arrive any day between now and the 11th. By the doctors calculations our baby is 6 lbs. Our Birthmother is very uncomfortable and ready to deliver.

Many unexplained things have happen along our journey and many coincidences have occurred. Jose' and I continue to look at each other in amazement. We are beginning to think that we are imagining some of this stuff. Storks and birthday wishes usually mean one thing... Koo Koo! With all that being said... June 11th is my (Brandon's) adoptive parents anniversary. If they were alive they would be celebrating 54 years of marriage. We believe that they too have had a hand in bringing this baby to us. We have continually been told along our journey that our baby will find us when the time is right. We truly feel these signs from above validate that fact. We know in our hearts that this is our baby.

Dress Rehearsal

Over the course of 14 days we have visited our Birthmother 9 times. Eating out seems to be a common theme but we have also taken in a movie, visited the Museum of Fine Arts and experienced the thrills of an amusement park. Well... we played the games and rode the train but rides where off limits. We speak daily via phone when visits are not scheduled. More activities are planned for this coming weekend if labor does not ensue. Everything is going well and a relationship is beginning to form.

Last Sunday we also attended Mass together. Jose and I were very pleased by her request to attend Mass at our church. It was a wonderful experience to have her sit between us. The event was a little emotional as we have prayed within that sanctuary numerous times for a Birthmother we could help and assist. We will continue to pray for a healthy, happy, smart baby as our due date nears.

I (Brandon) will attend the weekly obstetrician appoint on Friday 5/29. We are hopeful that a date will be scheduled for the cesarean. We do not know how much longer our Birthmother can go! Tuesday we had a false labor scare and rushed to the hospital. We are considering the false labor drill to be the dress rehearsal. If you are counting we have less than 12 days to go before the big performance!

Our dance card is full!

Yesterday we saw the obstetrician for the first time. Our baby is approximately 5 pounds 13 ounces and looks to be very healthy. Our Birth Mother is approximately 36 weeks along and doing well. An ultrasound was done and we got to see our little one for the first time. That was amazing! Our Birth Mother will deliver via cesarean between June 5th and 10th. That is somewhere between 13 and 18 days away. This baby seems to be coming as fast as a freight train!

Our dance card seems to be full at present. The list includes painting a mural, making three cradle sheets, buying a crib, registering for shower gifts, filling out our leave paperwork, filling out HR benefit paperwork, contacting our pediatrician, buying basic essentials/diapers and spending quality time with our Birth Mother. We have many things to complete and little time to spare. Currently, we have outings planned for Sunday and Monday with our Birth Mother.

On another note, today is our 18th anniversary! We have arrange for some alone time that includes a day trip away from all this endless activity. We look at this entire experience as a wonder anniversary gift. We have had much to celebrate in the last few weeks and more to come as our first Father's day approaches!

The clock is ticking...

Our baby’s due date is June 18, 2009. Originally, we were stunned because the date is so near. There are many loose ends to tie up and final preparations to be made.

Then we learn that our baby must be delivered via cesarean. This puts a whole new spin on things. Cesarean births are planned and precautions are usually taken to ensure the Mother does not go into labor. Planned births are usually scheduled 7 to 10 days before delivery date. This actually leaves around two and half weeks until our little one arrives.Oh my goodness… WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!

Tomorrow we will attend the Obstetrician appointment. We assume an arrival date will be scheduled during this visit. We will keep you posted!

Birthday Wishes...

My (Brandon) birthday has come and gone. There was no cake, no party and no fan fair. My present was not wrapped and came without a card. It was something I had asked for long ago. It was a gift I thought I would never receive. On my birthday I received the most precious and treasured gift I will ever receive. WE WERE MATCH WITH OUR BIRTH MOTHER!

Jose and I feel this match occurring on my birthday has great symbolic meaning. If you believe in fate you must believe that this is our baby. If you have read our blog you know I was adopted at birth. We truly feel this is not a coincidence. It is a gift from God and a gift guided by the Birth Mother that relinquished me 41 years ago. This entire process has affirmed to us that we do not control our destiny. Life itself will lead us in the right direction given time and patience.

This is a wonderful match and exactly what we have prayed for. We are grateful to have been brought together with our child’s Mother. We are thankful for her willingness to give us the greatest gift we will ever receive.

Last year I wished for a healthy baby when I blew out my candles. Birthday wishes really do come true!

Oh... and we are due in 31 days!